I wrote this part of my post quite a while ago now, but never got round to checking it and posting it, but here you go…
(Written roughly w/c 29th June 2015)
Well, my break from treatment has flown. And I have had many of you asking if I am okay as I have been rather quiet since finishing chemo/radiotherapy on June 12th…
Truth is, I have struggled the past few weeks, and I want to try and be as honest as possible with you all, without being too much of a “negative Nancy”, as my mood has changed over the past couple of days or so and for my own sake I would like to keep steering in this more positive direction. And I am really late – I should be packing for my trip down south right now, so I won’t keep you for long. (That is now a lie – apologies!!)
I have had, like the doctor did mention could happen, severe side effects in terms of fatigue since completing treatment. I have found it hard to conjure up the motivation to shower, get ready etc. let alone go out. I have then found myself in a vicious circle; the less I do, the more tired I become; the less I do, the more I think; the more I think, the more negative thoughts that enter my brain.
The main thought that has been bugging me (in all honesty, scaring) me the most, has been that we are in JULY! It has been over seven months since I was taken in to hospital now. As much as I like to remain positive and hope that I will live a HELL OF A LOT longer than the average 3 year diagnosis, if we do take this 3 year figure – I have already fought through 7 months out of 36 months already. 7 months, gone, just like that!
Other times, I have been worrying about my scan that is scheduled for Tuesday. What if the tumour has grown?! I have been trying to play it through in my mind of how I will deal with the news if that is what I will be told; but nothing can prepare you for that. I try to remind myself of a previous blog post I wrote, when I spoke about how a session at the Maggie’s Centre taught me to deal with uncertainty and how not to try to worry about things that are totally out of your control; but I am most definitely NOT a pro at this yet! So, I sit here, begging for the best case scenario; I want to hear the word STABLE. I want to be stable. We always knew that Trev was not very receptive to radiotherapy treatment, so I am not being ridiculous thinking that I will be told it has shrunk or anything; just stable. No growth please!!!!!
Tuesday is also when I will begin my next load of chemotherapy; Temozolomide again, but this time on double dosage, for 5 days, and then off for the remainder of that 4 week period. Depending on my reaction to it, this could last for up to 12 months. A year; blehhhh! I am, again, expecting the worst; if you remember, I was very sick on my first day of chemo in the back end of April, thus, on double the dosage, I reckon it may be quite tough.
I have basically just felt a bit POOP! I have piled on weight, I have no hair, I have minging skin (all may seem so little and trivial in the grand scheme of things I know), and being completely honest, I don’t think I have ever got my head around the fact that I have cancer (nope, I certainly haven’t, as it still feels odd typing it out).
I feel like I need to apologise that this post is probably a bit of a let down and not very “Anna-like”, but I think it is important that you know that even people who can come across really tough on the surface, and put on a smile and a brave face, can be just as weak and vulnerable as someone who cannot hide it as well. Most of the time, I find I put on the brave face to save my family from having to deal with an emotional wreck 24/7. But if these down weeks have taught me anything, it is probably that this is not a good action plan. I need to let them know exactly how I am feeling; and I want to let you know too. And I should not apologise for having such feelings.
In actual fact, I found this quote online the other day, probably when I was stalking someone I do not know on Instagram (as you do….right?!):
Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn’t apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn’t say sorry for falling. Feelings just are.
On the flip side, I have been on the radio again, BBC Tees had me on for a full hour show which was fab. I have been amazed by the on going fundraising support and ideas from so many people; it really is humbling and I am so honoured people have taken this campaign to their hearts and are willing to help try to find a cure to save my life and so many others alike.
I need to remind myself, and inform you, that since deciding to start fundraising on behalf of Brain Tumour Research Campaign, only at the beginning of March 2015, and, with the help of all of you wonderful lot, the total we have raised cumulatively has now ticked over £27,000!
TWENTY SEVEN THOUSAND POUNDS!
This is when I get a “kick up my derriere” and realise that I am doing good! WE are doing good! No, actually we are doing better than good! £27,000 is INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!
I am blessed that no matter how I am feeling mentally, I always have the support of so many; family, boyfriend, loved ones, friends, adopted families, brain tumour buddies, and people who have come across my blog and have made the conscious decision to help me on my journey, most without even knowing me at all!
I will be sure to let you know how I get on this coming Tuesday, I will just apologise in advance if it is slightly delayed, as I will be starting on my chemo.
But this is it; Fresh start; Positive Anna. Speak soon!!!!
My appointment was on July 14th 2015. It is now August 8th 2015. So I broke my promise to you all I am afraid.
Some of you who follow Inside My Head on Facebook also, may already have seen why this is the case. Please see below what I posted:
Trev, the bastard, had grown 😦 .