POST 4: AHHH HE IS ACTUALLY GOING INSIDE MY HEAD….

As many of you may know if you have read my posts below….I am scheduled to have my brain surgery (partial resection) on Tuesday! Today is Friday….that leaves me with FOUR days until op day (*dramatic music*)

I wanted to post today just to try and get some of my nervous thoughts and energy out of my system and to try and give an insight into some of the worries that are going through my head. I want to use it to vent some of the uncertainty that is all built up inside of me, so then for the next few days I can put all those worries into a little box, pack it away and try to keep myself as busy as possible until Monday when I will be admitted to Charing Cross.

I am very much aware, particularly with the help from the lovely ladies at the Maggie’s Centre at the Freemans Hospital, Newcastle, that there is no point worrying about things that are completely out of my control, as it all just spirals out of control! If you have not come across the work of the Maggie’s Centre before, they are INCREDIBLE!

Built in the grounds of NHS cancer hospitals, Maggie’s Centres are places with professional staff on hand to offer the support people need and there are now 17 centres across the UK. I have now been to a few Brain Tumour specific support groups at the Freemans hospital Centre, and just popped in to relax and have a chat in between hospital appointments at the Centre at Charing Cross. The session I attended last month at the Maggie’s Centre has been able to help me a lot this past week….we spoke about how to deal with uncertainty, of which there has been, and still is A LOT of in my life at the moment. This session was invaluable to me, particularly as I am a complete and utter control freak and I hate not knowing exactly what is going on. Although having had discussions with my “super surgeon”, Kevin O’Neill, I still don’t really exactly know what is going to happen, how much pain I will be in afterwards, how big my scar will be, how much hair they will have to shave off, if there will be any major side effects….the list goes on.

The lovely ladies at the Freeman’s Maggie’s Centre explained how sometimes questioning each and every one of these worries and uncertainties can be detrimental to my positive outlook, because the likelihood is, that I don’t have the answers and these things are completely out of my control. Therefore what it is better and more beneficial to concentrate on, is the things, albeit how small, that I can control. Writing my blog and using this as a means to release my thoughts is in my control, remaining as positive and upbeat as possible is in my control, and making a difference is in my control (with your support of course)….and that is the path I have chosen to follow!

Right, so control freak Anna – let’s use this post to vent my worries:

I think my main worry, that may seem silly to some of you who have had operations under general anaesthetic before, is the thought of not waking up! I have never had general anaesthetic before – my first biopsy operation was awake surgery; I was lightly sedated and had local anaesthetic injected into my scalp. The control freak that I am, I was weirdly quite thankful for being awake, as I knew exactly what was going on, even if I did have to endure the ridiculous noise of the drill :/!! Although the prospect of being awake during brain surgery seemed to freak everyone else out, I am in fact more nervous about being asleep this time around. The operation is due to take about 3-4 hours I have been told and I have been told to expect to be kept in a further 3-4 days to recover.

There are obviously risks, as with any major surgery, which again, if I dwell on would probably drive me insane and lead me to call off the operation all together! The main risk I have been warned of is that I may lose movement or feeling in the left hand side of my body. Currently, this doesn’t worry  me too much – to me, this is a small price to pay to potentially be able to live and spend a few more months/a year/years with the incredible people in my life. It would obviously affect my day to day life for the time I do have left, but I am almost positive this won’t be the case…always trust your gut instincts – see I do listen to you, Mother!

I do, bizarrely, feel very lucky to be in the position I am in, in terms of finding Kevin, and him being keen and confident to operate and partially resect a sizeable chunk of the Trev. Taking this into account, I am quite excited to undergo the surgery and see what kind of a difference, if any, it can make to my progress, future treatment results (i.e radiotherapy), and my prognosis . I am hoping to up the ante on the score card front and it look more like Anna 2 – Trev 0.

Taking all of that out of the picture, and just being completely emotional….I AM SO NERVOUS!! I think it is only hitting me at certain times, on certain days, what on earth has gone on, is going on and what will be happening next week! It really is crazy! I am a bit worried as I haven’t had a breakdown over the past week and a half. Comments and messages I have received off the back of my blog etc have made me shed tears, but mainly because I cannot get over the kindness of my family, friends, blasts from the past, or complete strangers! But an absolute sob, I haven’t had. Although, as I am sure you have got the gist of by now, I am a very positive and strong person, I also believe it is important to be weak at times and have a good cry….although it helps with nothing, changes nothing, everyone needs to have an emotional release to keep you sane! I wonder if one is due to arrive before Tuesday…?!

When I was coming around from my biopsy operation at the beginning of February, I could not control the tears. I was lying in my hospital bed, with either my Mum or Dad in the seat beside me so I could grasp on to their hand (they took shifts so their hand didn’t end up falling off! ). I would be lying there, head throbbing from the surgery, but perfectly quiet and calm, eyes shut, and the next minute, tears would be streaming down my face! And this would then have a domino effect on the parent in the chair! The people on my ward must have thought we were absolute nutters! The emotion just crept up on me each time and came from absolutely nowhere. At least this time I am prepared for the tears to turn up without warning!

Speaking of my parents, I am fortunate, particularly with my surgery being in London, that they are both going to be able to be with me the whole of next week. I hate, more than anything, trying to imagine myself in their shoes, particularly when I am wheeled away on my bed and during the 3-4 hours when I am in surgery. The worry they must and will experience is horrible to think of. Furthermore, with my surgery being in London, the remainder of my family will not be able to visit me in hospital due to us all living up in the North East. Again, I don’t like thinking about what they will be going through and how helpless they will feel being so far away. Although I know these scenarios are not my fault and are completely out of my control, I almost feel like I am inflicting these horrible feelings on to the ones I love the most and a feeling of guilt creeps up on me when I think about it too much

On a lighter note, if anyone has any suggestions for how I can wind up my loved ones when I do come out of surgery fine, I would appreciate any ideas on a postcard!…. I was thinking of, as I heard it has happened…to pretend that I can only speak a foreign language (leaning towards mandarin as they would have no clue if what I was saying is right anyway – and I was learning mandarin at work before my diagnosis!).

If I have to think of the worst scenario, and if anything is to go completely wrong (again, I know it won’t – gut feelings are the best), I just hope that I am still in a position, health wise, to be able to keep raising awareness and money for brain tumours and BTRC. If I am not, PLEASE continue to help this cause so that in the future, nobody has to even contemplate processing these types of thoughts that are going through my head right now.

Thank you for lending me your ears today, and I will be sure to make my sister, Victoria, (would hate to see my parents have a go at uploading anything on here) updates you all when I have come around from my operation.

I have a general Just Giving Page now, so for those who feel so inclined….Even if it just a £ 1 donation, I will be so grateful!!!!

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